There, that feels better. Nothing like getting out a little aggression, even if it's only in my head.
Because that is how I feel most days. Usually by 4pm but also sometimes around, oh, 9:33am. After I've put the baby to sleep about four times. After she's woken five minutes later, four times. After she's started screaming bloody, shocking, murder while nestled in her swing. The swing that all babies are supposed to LOVE.
Not this little lover. This one prefers to lay flat against my chest, bottom resting in my palm, legs sprawled froggy style, hands gripping the collar of my shirt, and milky breath puffing on my neck. Or in a cradle hold. Scrunched in the crook of my elbow with one hand under her chin and the other nestled against her ear. That's it. She's not picky or anything.
And I don't mind holding her. In fact, I think it would be lovely to stay in bed all day, just snuggling my girl and letting her sleep whenever she wants to. But that will never happen. Because there are siblings involved. Other children that I love just as much, but who make this mothering an infant thing that much more challenging.
And if I was to be perfectly honest, the whole sitting still wouldn't work. At this point in my life, the messes and needs don't bother me. It's not having the freedom or ability to deal with them that really brings out my inner-plate-smasher.
|"Mom, look at my bubble tree!"|
|Little Miss Accessorize in her dressy-dress, super hero cape, and sun hat.|
|He got annoyed that she didn't seem to enjoy his puppet show.|
But it's okay. I'm past the point where I cry whenever I think about all the things that need to be accomplished and just aren't happening. And I suppose that's something to be thankful for, no more crazy post-partum hormones!!
And now that I've written it all out, it's not that bad. Sure, it's taken me two weeks to get the kids seasonal wardrobes switched out, but really, not a big deal. And that layer of dust on the mantle can easily be camouflaged by a crunchy leaf garland. And now that the ants and fruit flies have left us, I think it's safe to leave dishes in the sink overnight. All in the name of a peaceful little one. Yes, I have a baby that is a bit of a cuddle-bug during the day (but have I mentioned she's been sleeping at least 9, sometimes 10 or 11 hours STRAIGHT at night!?!?) Some people may say I'm spoiling my baby. I know one guy that says it about every other night, while he sits in his favorite armchair, cradling the sweet thing himself. I don't care. Because when your husband says no more babies, FOR REAL THIS TIME, you start to think twice about putting her down.
|Something happens around 9pm in which she suddenly shuts down and nothing wakes her, not even the suggestion of a bedtime snack.|
|The great seasonal clothing switch. My most-loathed mama chore.|
She's just hibernating. Taking a step back from it all. Waiting to be called back in to action, slowly, of course. It starts with the little things. Like the chance to get three rooms vacuumed. Or having the baby nap long enough to fold a load of laundry. Or, today's win, two in preschool, a baby contented in her bouncy seat and a 2 YO distracted by the TV just long enough to mix up a batch of pumpkin muffins ALL BY MYSELF. It was glorious.
Many things change when you become a mother. And some things will never, ever be the same. But just like wearing a different size doesn't alter WHO you are, neither does taking a break from your old habits. If nothing else, motherhood has given me a new appreciation for the person that God made me to be. Because during these seasons (some longer than others) in which she lies dormant, I miss her more than words can say. Goodbye girlfriend. See you soon. Maybe.