Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Unsettled

The other week, I bought my first piece of art.  Well I guess you could say that.  In other words, I used a gift card to buy a knock-off painting on clearance at TJ Maxx.  Regardless, it was my first.  All the other framed art in our house was either bought by or for Jon, and generally feature presidents or boats.  So it was a big step for me.  I stopped and stared at it for a little while.  I walked away and came back.  I almost took a picture to send to Jon and then I thought to myself "no, it's time to be a big girl and make this decision on my own" besides, if he didn't like it I could always return it.  Then I threw it in the cart and trucked it home.

The first thing Jon said when I walked in the door was "What's that?"  But after he got over the initial shock that I had actually went out and bought something on my own for the house, he said he liked it.  And I gotta say, it's the perfect fit.  It really matches our room perfectly.  Especially from its spot on the floor, propped against the wall.

Yes, my lovely piece of art ended up on the floor.  We both liked it, both agreed to keep it and both knew right where we wanted it to go, but the question remained:  Do we hang it up knowing it's just another thing we'll have to take back down again in a few months?  Do we want to put more holes in the wall that we'll only have to fill in again before we leave?  Do we really need to decorate a room that no one will ever see but us?

And this is our life right now.  We're constantly dealing with these kinds of dilemmas.  Do we bother looking for a new church if we're only going to be around for 3 more months?  Should we switch to civilian doctors or just stick out the military healthcare a little while longer?  Should I hang Jude's 12 month long sleeve shirts up in the closet or just leave them in the box until after we get to the next place.  How many bottles of ketchup can I buy at this awesome sale price without having to deal with mega leftovers before we move?  Ah, the military life.  This limbo between "go on living like we always have" and "get ready for big change."  In short, it's unsettling.

But our upcoming orders are just one thing that's bothering me.  I feel like this whole year has been off so far.  It started out with the burglary.  Was followed by a smart little cookie that just can't figure out that poopies go in the potty.  Then my kids started waking up super early without explanation and no amount of tweaking could fix it.  And of course, I thought we were past "the bug" after last weekend but no, it continued on through the week and culminated with more Jude throw-ups on Sunday morning as we were getting ready for church, an explosive Jackcident that Jon ended up spending an hour scrubbing off the walls, door, vanity, toilet, floor, rug, etc. (whataman!!), and a very sick husband that forced me to spend my Valentine's night in our little boy's room.

I can't remember the last time I felt so out of control, or the last time my future felt so uncertain.  But I'm learning, slowly catching on to this thing called trust.  And to help, I like to turn up Kristene Mueller on Grooveshark:

It's the sweetest thing,
To trust you,
Just to know,
You've got everything under control.

And you're making me a mountain
Making me a mountain
That cannot be shaken.

So I'm trying extra hard to leave it up to God because there's certainly nothing I can do about it.  He's already got the future settled, already has our house picked out, probably already knows where we'll hang the new picture.  And speaking of which, we did go ahead and put it up.

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And then we celebrated.

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Because what are a few more holes in the wall when futures are in the balances?

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And because even though I don't know what's wrong with my kids' tummies, or why my eldest prefers to poopy in his pants, or where I'm going to be buying groceries this summer ... at least I know where I want to hang my picture.  Ahh sometimes it feels so good just to have the freedom to make a decision.

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